let’s just be honest with each other for a minute, okay? When we talk about marriage, relationships, and all that family stuff, it feels like it’s been discussed to death, right? “Overstressed” is definitely the word. You might even think, “What more could possibly be new here?” But hear me out, because I’ve got some fresh insights, especially if you’re like so many Nigerians contemplating – or already living – that ‘abroad’ dream.
This isn’t just me making things up; it comes from a deep passion for how families thrive (or don’t), how kids grow, and yes, my background in psychology. I’ve seen countless clinical files of mental health patients, and guess what common thread keeps popping up like a bad dream? Yep, you guessed it: broken homes.
So, grab a cup of tea (or maybe something stronger, depending on how this hits you!), because we’re about to get real. We’re going to dive into why keeping your family together might just be a whole lot tougher when you pack up and move outside Nigeria, especially if you’re eyeing places like the UK.
The Honeymoon Phase: When Sweet Turns Sour
Let’s kick things off with a familiar scenario, shall we? Picture this: it’s a chilly evening, maybe a bit boring, and two people, feeling a little lonely, decide to meet up. Sparks fly, things get intimate, and let’s just say… the connection is fantastic. For the woman, there’s this incredible rush of oxytocin – that wonderful ‘love hormone’ that makes everything feel warm and fuzzy. It’s like a sweet addiction, and she just wants more. She might even convince herself, “This is it! This is love!” And before you know it, she’s pregnant.
Now, here’s where the fairy tale often takes a sharp, unexpected turn into a nightmare. Here’s the brutal kicker: neither of them truly grasps the monumental, sacrificial, and often grueling journey that parenthood actually is. Seriously, it’s a whole new ballgame! When the reality of sleepless nights, the endless mountain of dirty diapers, the sudden financial strain, and the sheer weight of responsibility crash down, what often happens? They hit the eject button. They hurriedly go their separate ways, leaving this innocent child to accidentally become a burden – someone neither of them truly signed up for.
Both parents then often embark on a desperate, and often futile, quest for some elusive “phantom happiness” in different directions, leaving a trail of emotional wreckage. This isn’t just a one-off story; it’s a recurring pattern. It’s a direct pathway to those very “broken homes” that psychologists consistently flag as a major root cause for mental health struggles later in life. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the raw truth for many.
Culture Shock: Nigerian Roles vs. Western Equality
Alright, let’s talk about the seismic shift that happens when a Nigerian family moves abroad, especially to a place like the UK. From what I’ve seen, it’s significantly tougher to keep that family unit intact. Why? Well, it’s not just one thing; it’s a complex mix of “multi-factorial and multi-dimensional” issues, as a psychologist would say. But let me try to make it relatable.
Back home in Nigeria (and truly, across much of Africa), there’s an unwritten, but crystal-clear, script for marital roles. Generally, the man is the big earner, the primary provider, the one bringing home the bulk of the bacon. The woman, on the other hand, is the master of the home, the manager of the household. Even if both partners work outside the home, the man often feels the pressure of being in the “deep end” of financial provision, while the woman “surveys the riverbank,” expertly managing the household expenses and upkeep. And if they’re both in demanding careers, assuming they have the money, they often hire domestic staff or bring in younger family members to help out. This creates a built-in support system that eases the burden and reinforces those traditional structures.
But then, you land in the UK, and suddenly, that Nigerian script? It’s gone. Here, both partners are immediately, unequivocally, seen as equals. And I mean equal in almost every sense. As the saying goes, the only biological tasks a man genuinely can’t do are breastfeed a baby or menstruate. This emphasis on equality profoundly shifts the dynamics of a relationship, even in intimate moments – you might find women confidently taking the lead in sexual positions, a stark contrast to more traditional norms.
Now, please understand, I’m not here to bash marriage equality! I support it in principle. But here’s my observation, backed by my psychology background: I believe there are certain household chores or roles that women are simply naturally wired to manage more effectively. Think about childcare, for instance. Women often show a more inherent comfort and ease with it than men. And on the flip side, some physically demanding jobs – like working in construction, or as a warehouse picker, or in challenging mental health facilities – often prove to be a real struggle for many women.
Plus, from what I’ve seen, a lot of women find it genuinely difficult to consistently reach into their pockets to pay for shared household bills. A responsible man, however, often feels that natural inclination to be the provider. Honestly, if couples just applied the simple business principles of division of labor and specialization, they could manage tasks they’re inherently better at, leading to way less stress and much more harmony. This isn’t about being stuck in the past; it’s about acknowledging natural strengths for a smoother partnership.
The Missing Village: A Crisis of Support Abroad
Here’s another massive piece of the puzzle that often gets overlooked: the support system. If your marriage hits a rough patch back in Nigeria, your immediate community is basically a built-in crisis management team. Your neighbors, if they hear you shouting at your spouse, wouldn’t hesitate to step in, trying to peacefully mediate the dispute. Religious leaders, parents, friends, even colleagues at work – everyone would be “scheming” (in a good way!) to find a peaceful solution. There’s this incredibly strong communal fabric that acts like a soft cushion, preventing many marriages from completely falling apart.
But in the UK? It’s a completely different story. That informal support? It’s almost non-existent. If you’re having a loud argument with your partner in an apartment building, your neighbors probably won’t knock on your door, unless maybe they just want to tell you to keep the noise down. More often than not, they might just pick up the phone and call the police. Immediately. Why? Because the prevailing mindset here is personal safety and non-interference. If they perceive someone’s life is in danger, calling law enforcement is the standard protocol.
And here’s the kicker: the police aren’t trained to be marriage counselors. Their main job is safety. So, they’ll almost always go for the safest option: physical separation. They’ll tell the man to leave the house and, even more damagingly, encourage both parties to press charges against each other if any physical abuse or exploitation is alleged. This kind of intervention often leaves an indelible mark on the marriage, pushing it directly towards a complete breakdown rather than a chance for reconciliation. It’s a system designed for immediate safety, not marital repair.
The ‘Baby-Mama’ Appeal: Unintended Consequences
Now, let’s talk about another significant social and economic factor: the perceived allure of being a single mother in the UK. I’m not making a judgment here, just an observation about societal structures. The UK offers various social benefits and, sometimes, even quicker visa routes for single mothers. This can, perhaps unintentionally, make the “baby-mama” status seem quite appealing to some, especially if they’re already disillusioned with the demands of marriage or see it as a quicker path to independence and stability abroad.
The statistics are pretty stark. We’re looking at roughly 3.2 million lone-parent families in the UK. And get this: about 85% of them (that’s around 2.7 million!) are headed by single mothers, with only about 477,000 being single-father households. These numbers highlight a massive societal shift and the growing prevalence of single-parent homes. While it’s a complex issue with many causes, it’s undeniably made worse by the factors we’re discussing here.
The Daily Grind & The Elephant in the Room: Work, Money, and Temptation
Beyond culture and support systems, the sheer nature of work abroad can relentlessly chip away at marriages. Couples often spend incredibly long hours apart, pushing themselves in demanding jobs just to keep their heads above water in a high-cost environment.
And here’s a subtle but powerful point: many women working long hours in what I’d call “idle settings” (think less physically taxing but more socially interactive environments) can become vulnerable to developing what I call “locational feelings” for male colleagues. Imagine: shared frustrations, late nights, emotional support during stressful shifts. It’s a recipe for blurring lines. In UK workplaces, you often hear credible whispers of “staff romance,” especially among night shift workers, where that camaraderie can easily morph into something more intimate due to shared experiences and close proximity during isolated hours. This isn’t about placing blame; it’s about recognizing the environmental pressures that can silently erode marital bonds when partners are constantly separated and exposed to new social dynamics.
Then there’s the biggest elephant in the room: money. Getting married and raising a family abroad is astronomically expensive. The cost of renting a family home alone is often exorbitant. We’re talking an average of around £800 per month in many areas, which, for a lot of people, is literally half of their entire monthly earnings! And that’s just rent. It doesn’t even begin to cover the fortune spent on feeding a family, clothing, and other essential bills like council tax, water, and electricity.
Specifically, a lone parent in the UK often faces the highest financial burden, with estimates around £290,000 to raise a child up to age 18. Some sources even push that figure well past £400,000 when you consider things like private education and the relentless march of inflation. Now, compare that to the often highly limited economic resources available, even with two incomes. This crushing financial pressure intensifies existing frustrations in a marriage, turning it into a pressure cooker where arguments about money become frequent, and the very foundation of the relationship can crack. The unfortunate result? It directly contributes to the rise of the single-parent phenomenon.
The ‘Game’ of Marriage: Hard-Won Realizations
It seems many women in these Western societies have come to a pretty brutal realization about how incredibly difficult marriage can be. You’ll hardly hear a “white woman,” for example, just casually say “men are scum” in the way that might be thrown around in some other cultural contexts. Why? Because they’ve arrived at the stark, often painful, understanding that sometimes, nobody is truly at fault. It’s not just about the “players” (the individuals in the marriage); it’s about the “game” itself – the intricate web of societal, economic, and cultural pressures that marriage now entails.
Not everyone, it seems, can truly withstand the immense rigors of modern marriage, especially when you factor in those external pressures. After having kids, many of these women become genuinely less open to trying marriage again. Instead, they might become open to more “explorative sexual experiences” with different men, seeking companionship or intimacy without all the binding commitments and crushing pressures of formal marriage.
I even had this conversation recently with a single woman in her 50s. She was complaining about having a “big tummy.” I, trying to be lighthearted, jokingly told her it didn’t matter since she was getting older and had three grown kids anyway. But she sharply shut me down! She made it very clear she wants to remain attractive to find a man to “oil her machine.” That, my friend, is the UK factor for you. It’s a pretty stark illustration of how societal shifts, economic realities, and individual desires are fundamentally reshaping relationships and pushing people away from traditional marital structures.
So, listen. If you’re thinking about moving abroad, or if you’re already living that life, keep these insights in mind. It’s not just about landing a great job or getting a better passport; it’s about truly understanding the profound, often hidden, challenges that can severely test the very foundations of your family. Be prepared, be aware, and maybe, just maybe, you can navigate this “game” differently, and come out winning.
